And honestly, Estonians have not been very discerning when it comes to, well, anything apart from our quiet and relentless patriotism, really.
What does this have to do with the holidays? Everything.
When I came to Canada in 2013, I was married and excited about building a life in Canada.
For probably the first five or six Christmases, I made all of the typical Estonian delicacies— sült, pasteet, and even pickled pumpkin from scratch. Things were intense, to the point of driving around town looking for pig feet and proper blood sausages the night before Christmas Eve. The sausages we found came from a Polish sausage factory in Burnaby, BC, which has since sadly closed to make way for a new apartment tower complex.
We didn’t stop with just food, however. We sought out all local and newly-landed Estonians to share in our Christmas traditions. And it was fun most of the time. Sometimes awkward, because we did not know the others that well and being Estonians, we just sat in that awkwardness, not really knowing how to break the ice.
Now I realize we were just looking for a home away from home, wanting to recreate the family feeling we were so used to that was left behind.
This year is my tenth Christmas in Canada. I am now divorced. I live with my cat. And I am so happy and grounded in being fully ME. I spent the last Christmas holidays alone and rang in the new year being in deep meditation. I don’t yet have a tree and I'm not sure if I will get one. I am exploring what the Christmas traditions of a somewhat seasoned Canadian-Estonian could look like.
I am also realizing that the way my celebration of the winter holidays has evolved mirrors the evolution of many Estonians who have moved to Canada.
When you first go to a different country, you start to make it familiar to you, to create that comfort and sense of belonging, even when it involves things which were not part of your experience at home. I saw it firsthand with the pickled pumpkin— I hated it in Estonia and never even touched that bowl of translucent yellow cubes on the holiday dinner table. Then, all of a sudden, I'm marinating pumpkins in Canada.
Discernment. You don’t really have to exercise it in Estonia. You could move through your entire life carried by the traditions and traumas of the country and your family. Here, the entire equation is different and the formula you used in Estonia simply doesn't work. You have moved to a country where people don’t really care what car you drive or if you are dressed up to go grocery shopping. I know keeping up appearances is a thing all over the world, but compared to Canada, the culture in Estonia can be exhausting.
So when those expectations are stripped away, you are faced with your own values, wishes, hopes, and traditions. Most of the time, it’s realizing that you have to figure out what these are, because you never actually had to dig that deep. You were just carried by the current of your environment. And after that process is done, you truly start to discern and build the foundations for your own traditions. Isn’t it much more fun this way?
This year I'm making plans with my sister, and instead of forcing a mandatory “Estonian” Christmas, we are free to create our own unique blend of holiday traditions: sprinkling in some Estonia, with a dash of Canada, and pouring in a lot of ourselves. I am excited to spend the day with her and bake croissants, cook turkey with sauerkraut, and watch our cats fight under the tree (yes, she has both — a tree and a cat).
Every person has their own unique way of blending their own traditions with the traditions they are introduced to in their new home country. I didn't realize the weight of the guilt of traditions on my shoulders, that almost felt mandatory, until life forced me into a reset.
Whether you are new to North America or not, I just want to remind you that you do not have to do anything for the holidays if you don’t want to. You are not betraying your birth country by not pickling pumpkins. By giving yourself a reset from the rat race of the commercialized holidays, you can start planting the seeds of traditions that feel true to you.
And with that, I wish you love and connection and all that you’d wish for yourselves for these holidays.
