I haven’t felt this nervous for a long time. You would think this is just a formality, but I haven’t even been able to concentrate on my work. I can physically feel an old chapter ending, but I cannot see past this new door yet.
Interesting fears are coming up too. For example, I keep thinking that they will cancel the ceremony for some reason and I shouldn’t have told people about this yet. And I know where this is coming from. I see it a lot in my Estonian clients and friends — it’s an instance of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s the “ära hõiska enne õhtut” (don’t celebrate before it’s done) sentiment. And I thought I had dealt with this. Apparently, when it comes to something as life-changing as obtaining a new citizenship, pledging allegiance to a new country, I still have some internal work to do in terms of worthiness.
Because that’s what this is about, isn’t it? The belief that when things are starting to go your way, something is bound to happen, because you don’t deserve good things. I think it also stems from being used to people letting you down.
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